à la côte

And for Once, it Felt Like Feeling Anything at All.

Today was a good day in a lot of really, really different ways.
I feel like I’m expanding into this person who feels a fuller spectrum of emotions, and it’s bizarre but exciting for me.
It used to be so few and far between that I cried so hard from laughing, and cried so hard from feeling, but now I think I’m getting to a healthy dose. 

I got to write last night before I went to bed.
Because my form of writing is stream of consciousness and isn’t rehearsed or edited, my apathy due to shock and self medication has made it rare that I get an opportunity to write at all.  Now that those bad habits are fading out of my life, I just have to wait for something loud enough to come barging into my head. As I face my feelings I get to do something I love that I hadn’t been able to really get into for months upon months.
And it felt like healing.

I got to construct a schedule this morning when I woke up that was built around myself and my needs. A plan to get done all the things I need in order to take a step forward into a responsible, happy adulthood.
And it felt like growing up.

I got to talk to my sister this afternoon on video chat about where I’ve been since we last spoke, where I am now, and where I want to go.  I got to hear about her life, her dreams, and her projects; but most importantly we got to share some laughs together.
And it felt like being Home.

I got to cry with my dad this evening and talk about injustice and how to pull myself together to improve my future. I got to talk to someone who worries about me about what I worry about in myself. I got to talk to someone who knows how to help me get all of these hard things out of the way.
And it felt like being saved.

And now I’m going to hang out with some of my closest friends, supporting their music and passions; to sit and talk and listen and learn and reflect and celebrate existing.

And it feels like being alive.