à la côte

I think the events that you might be inquiring about are the ones that happened over a year ago. I wish I’d been where I am now only a year ago, but that would’ve been impossible. Because to be thorough it takes time, and sometimes the healing process isn’t as short as we’d like it to be. 
I won’t publish everything on here that happened to me, and especially not in detail.  
But to keep it simple: I was mislead, betrayed and abused in more ways than one, and it’s taken a very long time to build myself back up again. 

What has changed since? Everything. Everything has changed since. A lot of me is still the same girl, but most of me is new. Whether completely different, or just improved and reinforced. I’ve had a burning of the phoenix type experience. I’ve gone through a grueling process of what stays and what goes. And this is true for everything in my life. People, memories, personality traits, habits. But I guess that’s all part of growing up.

I am a lot happier than I was then. This time last year I was feeling good, but probably only because in comparison to the spring I’d had in 2010, I was doing FANTASTIC. I don’t want to be “doing well by comparison” that’s simply not good enough. I want to be doing well, period. And now I am. I’ve spent countless hours contemplating faith. Faith in all things; humanity, spirituality, myself. And I’ve come to the conclusion that having it really is all that matters. It’s funny how the religion you left can end up ringing so true in the end. The notes are all the same, but putting a new order to them can make them fit your song better.
The realization that my life is my own perception of reality, that I have complete control has changed my life. I’ve gone lucid. Now I have faith in myself and faith in those that have made it through this process with me. I’ve got amazing people in my life who I can actually trust. And I know those words won’t come back to bite me like they have in the past. I can rely on myself and my tribe, and that’s all one really needs. I can make anything happen from here. I have the strength to aim for the positive and get rid of the negative. This experience was necessary to bring to my attention how naive I had been, and it has helped me learn how to take control. 

It’s hard to tell where I thought I’d be this time last year, because this time last year this is where I thought I was. The healing process is interesting in that it’s infinite. One horrible thing can be the catalyst for infinite growth and greatness. And in this case, it has been. Sure, going through all of that was painful and traumatic, and it gave me a million complexes to deal with; but I know all of that was well worth it to be where I am now. If I had never had something like that happen to me, I’d still just be some 19 year old girl, killing time until she found someone who’d marry her. 

I never wanted to realize that was who I was. That I wasn’t a somebody, I was just some body. It saddens me now to know I wasn’t living up to my full potential. And even though I have my lazy fits now or my stubborn/selfish days, I’m doing a lot better than I was before. By going through a phase of alienation and loneliness, I’ve become even more engrained in my human kind. I didn’t shut off like I thought I would. I mean, for a lot of the healing process I did, but that was a necessary defense mechanism. I had to take care of myself for a while and focus on me. But now, I feel more empathy and compassion than ever. I feel more deeply for people and things and concepts than I ever did before. 

That body being tortured and killed released a spirit into the world who got to be 100% pure for a while. No capsule holding her back, or down. I roamed the worlds, physical, literal, spiritual, metaphorical, conceptual and creative. And I’ve come back and am settling into a life that couldn’t be appreciated by anyone more than myself. And I love it. I am happier everyday. 

I wouldn’t wish the events that caused this transformation of me on even my worst enemy; but I would wish the transformation on my worst enemy. It’s a beautiful thing, and everyone deserves to be happy.