à la côte

For Reader’s Reference: http://cokanefriendly.blogspot.com/2012/02/lost-chronicles-dec-20-2010.html

Did we love each other? Yes. But love to me may be and most likely is something completely different from how most view it. I love everyone I know, very truly. And some, rather deeply. But were we in love with each other? No, not for most of the relationship, at least. We had a day or two toward the end when it felt like it could’ve been something. Glances were exchanged that were much more than the motion of eye balls in sockets.
It’s cliched, but if anything, we had only been in love with the idea of each other. Him in love with the dark shadow of the bright girl I once was. The brooding, the detached and apathetic moods, the resistance I put up against him; it was all a dream for a romantic. I was someone to convert, someone to save. I, on the other hand, was distant and reserved for most of the relationship. Telling him the entire time we’d never be “together” and never once referred to him as my “boyfriend”. But I did let myself feel more than I expressed to him. I started to fall for the idea that maybe he was the exception I spent every night praying to be sent my way. 
What happened with the Girl? I don’t know. They knew each other before we dated, I didn’t ask much about his past. During our relationship, I didn’t ask questions. I trusted him, which later came back to bite me, but ironically with a different girl entirely. After our relationship? Again. I do not know. He closed the door on me, and when that happens I don’t stand there like a fool, I walk away.
Why did he belong to her and not me? I think the simplest way to answer this is the simple fact that I always forget. The fact that I honestly don’t believe that I have a “he” to belong to, or that I’d want to own. When I try to imagine my soulmate, the frame is empty. I stand alone. I do believe I am at my best when single and focused on my own path. I love others, and I love to serve, but it is easy for me to get swept up in other’s lives and want to do anything to make them happy. Surely an admirable trait, but not without balance. I tend to lose myself, and become extremely depressed and in the end, selfish. If I do end up with someone, it will be a long time from now, when I’ve gotten through all of this pain and these challenges on my own and have discovered my strength and self. I don’t believe two halves make a whole, I believe two wholes make a whole.
Also, to be clear, during our relationship there was no actual “her”. The her was simply an idea. A silhouette haunting my aspirations, begging me to change my life course and conform to her. Whoever she was, I knew she wasn’t me. But she was beautiful and graceful and enchanting. She was mysterious and wondrous. She was everything I wanted to be. He gave me an opportunity to be that girl, and I can never resist a chance to play dress up.
I never fully change who I am. But I certainly hide parts of me and exaggerate others in order to form the appropriate disguise. I was hiding from him, I was hiding from me.
I did it because I was in pain. I did it because I want to please everyone, and I thought it was what he wanted. I did it because I truly thought I could be that person and it would make me happier.
I did it because I was afraid to be me.
I believe I am more powerful than that. 2010 was a year of crutches though. I was in intense recovery from a lot of trauma, and I didn’t know how to heal myself. I sought out intimacy in places that only fed me doubt, fear, confusion, and more questions. All of the good these selfless helpers offered only ended up doing harm. I was turning to others to mend my broken bones, but really, that’s something one must do for themself.  
I still make these same mistakes, but I am learning to be more careful. To put more thought into my actions and step with lighter feet.
Perhaps I put up a stronger front than I actually have, but that’s the trick, isn’t it?